A Letter For You From A Muallaf

Assalamualaikum to my fellow sisters and brethrens, who will be one of the occupants in Jannah, insyaAllah. First of all, this is a letter that I composed to all viewers. A letter full of my real thoughts and dwellings, a letter of hope and pain, a letter of almost the truth. So here goes nothing.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim,

Dear brothers and sisters,

The thing that triggered me to write such a letter is a post, that I read on someone’s blog. It reminded me, well, of about everything. Every single thing that I worked for, every single thing that I fought for. Yes, my story had started long enough, ever since I was back in high school.

2007....

My friend was fasting. I felt excited because I tried fasting too and it’s in the fasting month, yes, I remembered it well. I followed my Muslim friends where I woke up early for sahur and break my fast at Maghrib. I was doing it because I thought it would be fun and why not, since I was dead eager to know how it’s like.

Until one day, still in that month, my Muslim friend told me, though hesitant, something regarding the fact that I’m fasting. It broke my heart and it took me ages to recover and I nearly feel angered. Know what she told me?

“Ko tau tak yang ko puasa ni ko tak dapat pape? Macam kitorang, kitorang dapat pahala, tapi ko dapat lapar je.” To which I retort “Xpela, aku saje je, takkan x boleh?” Though the way she said it seems harsh, but it’s the truth.

And that got me thinking.

I thought about it every single night before I slept, to which I held up the palms of my hand facing my face and hoped silently that Allah hears my prayer, which is “Please Ya Allah, please grant only this, eventhough I’m still not a Muslim, please Ya Allah, please grant this prayer. I really want to be a Muslim. Ease my journey towards becoming a Muslim.”

And afterwards I would cry, because I was really hoping, that somehow, Allah let it easy for me, and grant that prayer.

And Alhamdulillah, now, I AM a Muslim.

Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah.. And I will never stop saying it, because I was really thankful.

The feeling was like, as if someone just saved you from a tragic death, or from drowning. Yes, I was drowning back then. I was flailing my arms desperately, for someone to save me, and Allah did. SubhanAllah...

I was saved, my brothers and sisters, I was saved.

Dear brothers and sisters,

Do you not know how much pain it caused me? How many tears are shed because of this journey I chose? Do you?

It was so difficult for me to trust the right person, because not everyone can understand. I was pained when you left me when I’m in need. I was stressed up when I couldn’t get my iqra’ right. You say, be patient, take it slowly. But if you are in my position, how can I take it slowly?

I need to know everything in a short period of time because once I’m back at home, it’s over. I have to go undercover even with my own family and I couldn’t learn anymore, not live like I do here.

Usrah? That is going to be impossible once I’m back to my family’s side. I felt oppressed enough when I couldn’t wear the hijab and how do you think I would feel when I can’t do the rest??

To this, I have something to say, appreciate your freedom of performing your prayers, cherish your jamaah prayers with your family, value the freedom of wearing the hijab because there are other people who has great difficulty even to say Bismillah in front of their own family.

I felt pity to those who had the knowledge but don’t apply them. I felt sick when I think of them who claimed to be free when they don’t want to abide. It might anger some people when I wrote this, but keep in mind, this is my blog, this is a piece of my mind, and I have been keeping this inside long enough.

I hope, this post might open your eyes on the revelation of the anxiety that feeds on me day by day. You say I’m cruel when I kept this a secret from my parents. Cruel? I’m not doing it to save myself, I just can’t bring myself to hurt them. Hurting them is the last thing that I want to do. Only Allah knows how tempted I am to tell them, each day, but the thing holding me back is the thought of my parents being hurt and sad because of me, their first child and only daughter.

Do you know how much I hate myself for keeping this a secret? And you tell me that I’m heartless and I was being selfish. To calm myself, I kept thinking, only Allah knows, only Allah knows, over and over again.

Offended? Think of how much I was offended first. For those, my true friends, who helped me a lot, who didn’t leave me when I’m in need, who stayed by my side when I’m in my most vulnerable state, thank you for not leaving me all alone.

Ever since I’ve embraced Islam, I never felt this way. This feeling is, how should I say it, is very genuine. It feels like pure love. What I meant is that, I never thought that I could love somebody this way.

Islam taught me that love isn’t only meant to be all that lovey-dovey stuff, but it taught me about ukhuwwah, it taught me about love amongst Muslims, and it helped me a lot.

Ever since I became a Muslim, my relationship with my friends became better, and I’ve opened my eyes to see that there are a lot of people who are willing to help me for the sake of the religion. I’ve never felt this way and plus, my relationship between my family members improved and I was so thankful for that.

I never thought that one day, I would be talking about mundane things with my mum, because before, if I were to call home, our conversation would normally revolve around my academic well-beings, my financial status and all that serious stuff. My family were never like real families. We’re academic-based and my parents were so strict about it.

But now, ever since I learnt that Islam taught us that we should obey our parents, never raise your voice when talking and etc., and I applied it whenever I’m having conversation with my mum and my mum kind of, soften up a little bit and started being buddies with her only daughter, that is me.

I felt so blessed with this gift, that is the journey of being a Muslim. I never met people that love each other, not because of money, not because they’re pretty and all that, but because of Allah, and that amazes me most. I was so overwhelmed with my founding that I felt calm and tranquil.

The thing that I enjoy most of being a Muslimah is that :
1) I get to go to usrah
2) I get to go to “tautan ukhuwwah” programmes
3) I get to wear the hijab and be protected from unauthorized eyes
4) I get to fast and experience the happy sensation of breaking fast afterwards
5) Etc. Etc. Etc.

I love my new life, I love the new me. Yet, somehow, certain people can’t resist of making my life miserable. Well, that’s life. But I have a new target in life now.

Last but never the least, Dear brothers and sisters, especially those who are also in the journey towards Jannah, To those who worked their bones just for Allah, keep it up. It is people like you that inspire the others to follow your lead, eventually.

I have high respect to those who can still take care of themselves, be it physically or mentally, but most importantly, spiritually. With that, let’s all become a professional Muslim and insyaAllah, one day, one of us or more might bring change to this world polluted with secularism, corruption and hedonism.

To end this post, this a special song that I dedicated to all of you... Kembali by Far East..

Ya Allah... Wahai Tuhan Yang Maha Pemurah,
Terangilah ku dengan nur iman-Mu,
Hanya Engkau tempat aku berserah,
Mohon maghfirah di dalam syahdu...

Wahai Tuhan Yang Maha Pengasih,
Ampunilah segala dosaku,
Laksana buih di laut memutih,
Hanyut ditelan gelombang nafsu...

Hari-hari yang telah aku lalui,
Inginku tinggalkan terus bersemadi,
Ingin aku, kembali kepada fitrah insani,
Tak sanggupku jelajahi rimba duniawi,
Bebaskanlah diriku dari dibelenggu,
Dosa noda nafsu durjana...

Terimalah taubatku Ya Allah,
Pimpinlah daku ke jalan redhaMu,
Moga sinarMu terangi hidupku,
Di dalam kegelapan...

Aku kan kembali padaMu rabbi,
MenghadapMu Ya Rabbul Izzati,
Segala ketentuanku pasrahkan,
Di hujung penghayatan...